Whenever people ask me about any ‘bad’, or ‘sketchy’ experiences I have had on my journey, I never have a satisfying, in my perception, answer. This story of a man wishing to kidnap me is the only one that only mildly qualifies as such, in my estimation.
A Conversation I had During One Evening
This conversation took place in Norway. One evening I ended up in a group of eight to ten people. One man, a farmer, took a particular interest in me. He seemed to be absolutely fascinated by what I do. In a matter of half an hour he showered me with numerous questions about my journey.
How do you manage? What do you eat? Where do you sleep? It must be dangerous for a woman, isn’t it? Why do you do this? Don’t you miss your family? Why do you travel alone? What do you think about people in Norway?
I tried to satisfy his curiosity as much as it was possible in that setting.
And one of his questions was following – ‘did anything scary every happened to you?’
Once again, my brain froze. I did not know what tell him. A pause of good minute or so followed. To a degree I even felt pressure to produce some sort of answer. But then about ten minutes later, after the question was seemingly all forgotten by him, I remembered this case. I thought that in his perception it would qualify as ‘scary.
‘A man in Chechnya wanted to kidnap me once’, – I said.
How It Happened
It was November 2024. I visited Georgia and travelled around the country for a brief period of time. Shortly after, I commenced a trip to the Far East. My plan was to travel from Georgia to Russia. Cross the border into Kazakhstan. Then travel all the way to Chinese border, cover entire China from the west to the east, and, ultimately, enter Russia again.
In Russia I would board the Trans-Siberian train and travel for a week across entire Siberia all the way to Moscow.
I meticulously planned that trip, for I already had purchased the train ticket, and I had 2 weeks to cover about 10000 kilometres in order to make it to Vladivostok on time.
It happened on my first day of the trip. I was travelling towards Grozny, the capital of Chechnya. The days were getting shorter and shorter. Therefore, I needed to go around the city if I was to travel quickly.
He stopped for me when I was hitchhiking. He was also heading to Grozny, so I accepted the ride.
Recently wounded in the Ukraine war, he was back home for a rehabilitation period.
On the way we talked. He asked me a few standard questions. I mentioned that my plan was to get out of Grozny straight away. So, he suggested that he could pay for a taxi that would take me to the other side of town. And I accepted his generous offer.
Later, when we enter the city limits, he stopped the car and asked to wait for him. After few minutes he got back in, said that he did not find anything yet, and added: ‘’Anyway I decided to kidnap you, Layla’’.
What Was I Suppose to Think?
Right after he said that a cold wave spread all over my body. I froze, staring at him. It was not clear to me whether it was a joke, or whether he was serious. I could not even fully comprehend whether I afraid of him, or not. Or whether I should be afraid.
Immediately I thought about getting out of the car. But, my general strategy in such unclear situations is not to do anything that could potentially trigger another person. So, I decided to stay for just few more moments to see what happens next. After all, we were in the city by then, and there were people all around us.
He neither said anything afterwards, nor expressed it with his face. It confused me only more.
Soon I realized that I had not said anything in response to his statement. I broke the silence with a nervous laughter, and said: ‘’Well, good luck with that’’.
Right after uttering these words, I acknowledged them and I understood that, indeed, he needs some luck in my case if he wishes to be successful.
Immediately I felt better and at greater ease.
You might be interested in reading.
What Does Kidnapping Mean In Some Cultures?
Kidnapping a young woman whom a man desires in some deeply conservative countries implies nothing but forcing her into a marriage.
In many such traditional and religious countries men are simply obsessed with woman’s virginity. It is considered to be her dignity, and it belongs not just to her, but the entire family. It is shameful for a young woman to have any sexual experience before marriage, or to show any signs of eagerness or interest towards the opposite sex.
In case she had been kidnapped, her prospects are grim.
She is fortunate, if she actually favours her new ‘husband’. In case she does not, she can’t really go back to her family, for they would not consider her to be a virgin anymore. No matter if that is the case. So, they do not want her back, because it is such a fuss to marry off a non-virgin. It is also not recommended to leave him. A woman without a man, be it a husband, a brother, a father, or an uncle, is a lost cause. She also risks angering him, and potentially, being killed.
The Other side of the coin
Although, this tradition might seem brutal, or even savage to people in the West, the nations who practice it, naturally, do not see it that way.
Kidnapping a woman is a way of expressing one’s feelings for her. It is a way of showing her that he is ready to do anything for her. It also shows that the man is decisive, powerful, fearless, and he has got the right contacts.
There are endless songs written by the artists from Chechnya, Dagestan, Ingushetia, Georgia, Armenia, Azerbaijan, and so on, lyrics of which oftentimes consists of sentences, such as ‘I am going to kidnap you at dawn’.
Given that people collectively create these traditions, women are not all that innocent here, too.
Being kidnapped comes with a certain sense of pride. That means that she is wanted and desired.
Also, getting married is one of the childhood dreams of little girls. Because marriage is a symbol of freedom from parental tyranny they experience when they are young.
This way of thinking allows for such traditions to prevail and survive across decades and centuries. People believe in whatever feeds their delusion.
Consequences of Such Traditions
Such tradition inevitably works against the society. In these societies, boys grow up knowing that they can and should express their sexual desires; while girls are not supposed to have any to begin with.
Essentially, one part of the population tends to have more experiences and greater freedom of expression than the other one.
Thus, the society is highly unbalanced. Such upbringing instill a great deal of fear and insecurity in young girls, and far greater sense of confidence in young boys. And the boys grow up knowing that they can and should have everything they ever want to have.
A consequence of such unbalanced upbringing a certain kind of psychological dependence is developed in young girls.
I remember once when I was volunteering at a hostel in Belgrade we had a Tunisian guest. He gave me a couple looks here and there. Of course it was very noticeable.
One evening I was sitting on a balcony, breathing fresh air when he came out. He sat across me. He asked me a few questions and then he told me to come and sit next to him.
Every cell in my body was against it. I did not like him, I knew what sitting next to him entailed, and I did not want to be near him. Yet I stood up, and set on his bench, right next to him.
In Georgia They Kidnap Too
Georgian culture due to its historical development and geographical location represents a perfect blend of western and eastern influences.
One can observe western influences mainly in the capital. Tbilisi is a rather energetic, lively, and vibrant city. Full of bars, cafes, clubs, parks, and hiking trails – it provides one with a number of activities to engage in. It is also It is quite safe.
Although, Batumi is a second largest city, and I have heard it being praised and called ‘second Dubai’, in my mind it is just one big village. Of course, the inhabitants contribute greatly to this impression. I personally do not see ‘the west’ in Batumi at all.
Smaller towns and rural areas are a different story. People there cherish the old times, follow their traditions and lead rather simple lives.
Father is always head of the family, followed by the oldest son, second oldest, and so on. Person who has least rights in the house is daughter(s). In social settings men and women are always separated. Gender roles are strictly divided.
Women are not allowed to contradict or argue with a man. If she was his, or beaten by him, firstly, people will judge whether she has done something to earn such a treatment. If the answer is ‘yes’, well, what did she expect?
And again, female virginity plays an imperative role in lives of people. Men fight and kill over it.
In many such locations, and even in Tbilisi girls who wish to experiment with their sexuality, oftentimes engage in anal sex with their partners. In their minds, this way they can have sex and still remain virgins.
Different Family Different Rules
There was a case about a couple years ago. In some small village in the middle of nowhere parents sold their 15 year-old daughter to a 40 year-old man for gold. Her grandmother was the only person who looked for her.
Police ignored her continuous pleadings in finding the little girl. The reason for this inaction was that they were aware of what happened. After all, policeman are also humans.
In the end, she managed to find and rescue her.
In moderately liberal families nobody ever talks about ‘that thing’, but girls have relative freedoms. Relative is the keywords here. For the most part they do everything furtively, and they have to settle for lies and pretence.
In very rare cases parents do talk to their children about sex and help them develop a sufficient enough understanding on the matter. I personally have met only one person in my life who had such upbringing.
When I Was Younger
In my childhood, in Tbilisi, youngsters practiced a modernized version of ‘kidnapping’, which they called ‘escape’. So, if someone said about the two ‘they escaped’, it implied that one day the girl simply did not come back home. But after a few days she would contact her parents and tell them that she got married. Generally speaking, it does not necessarily mean that there was a ceremony of sorts. It is just a euphemism, which in a direct non-apologetic language means that she had sex.
They would normally settle for such course of action, when they knew that her father did not want the guy to be his son-in-law. Usually father would be angry at his daughter for leaving the family this way, but 9 months later they would go back to being one big loving family.
In my school there was a Kurdish girl. Her parents escorted her to and from school, because anywhere she went her ‘lover’ in a big black Jeep followed her.
Likewise, Armenians engage in similar behaviours. I was personally a witness to a couple such instances.
Nobody wanted to kidnap me when I was younger. I remember thinking to myself that maybe I was just not pretty enough in the eyes of other guys.
Back to the Chechen Man
Ultimately what happened was that he ended up driving me not only out of the city, but another 150 kilometres where I needed to go; buying me food and sweets; giving 2000 rubles and still ordering me a taxi to the town next to the one where he dropped me off. He also gave me his ring, as a memory.
Half of that ride I was still a little bit tensed up and alert, but I was able to conceal it.
We talked on the way. I asked him questions about his life and Ukraine, and he expressed a few times that he liked me a lot and that it would be difficult for him to let me go.
Then He Pulled His Gun
Sometime during the first half of the ride he stopped the car randomly, in the middle of the road. He told me ‘get out’, and got out himself. He was holding a gun. I obeyed. Apparently, he just wanted to teach me how to shoot. He insisted. I was not interested in shooting and I had to repeat myself several times.
He fired a couple shots in open air himself. The two loud bangs only exacerbated my vulnerable emotional state and made me feel more frustrated with his ignorance.
After that instance, about ten minutes later, he pulled over again. This time he wanted to kiss me. He leaned closer, but still hesitant, in a fear of my reaction. Despite this entire mishmash of a situation that he created, I did not have a significant problem with him. So, I let him kiss me, just one brief kiss.
Right after it happened, his cheeks blushed. He laughed at himself, saying that he is a grown man and he still feels shy after kissing a woman.
I thought it was quite charming. A man who has an image of himself and his buddy posing with guns on his lock screen, long beard and shaved head, blushes after kissing a woman. That was when I was able to fully relax and not to worry about a thing.
And then he asked me:
”Did you stop me because you are afraid that it would arouse you if I was to kiss longer?”
This question in itself implies how much men in such countries do not understand woman’s sexuality at all. And this is a mere projection.
After All It Was Not All That Terrible
It turned out so that I remembered my experience with the man fondly.
I thought about that instance many times. The conclusion I arrived at is that to some degree he did mean it when he said that he wanted to kidnap me. I don’t know how ready he was for that. Probably my reaction played some role in it, too.
Despite his intimidating to some people looks and certain questionable behaviours, unknowingly he delivered me an emotional and intellectual experience which I value to this day.
In Conclusion
I had two significant advantages in this case. First, I speak Russian fluently, and that enabled a smooth interaction and communication between us. Second, I had no trouble understanding what his intentions entailed.
Instinctively, I knew there was nothing he could really do to me. He had no leverage in that situation. The prospect of losing virginity is outdated in my case, and I was not afraid of him on the pure grounds of his masculinity.
Furthermore, the entire concept of kidnapping a young woman and forcing her to be one’s wife is so absurd in my experience that I struggle to imagine how would that even work between us.
Not always such advantages are present. But even without speaking a common language, and greater understanding of customs and traditions, it is not that difficult to resolve such situations in one’s favour.
After all, he is just a human being!
At the end of the day, he turned out to be quite helpful and caring towards me. With his help I managed to cover over 700 kilometres that day, which was a best case scenario I barely consider.